Meat the Press

Sunday Showdown: Kim Jong-il, or Kim Dak-gui?

2009-04-05T15:50:00.009-05:00

Dak-gui is grilled marinated chicken. Koreans chop chickens with little regard to bone. Westerners should not be surprised to taste hunks of beak as well. Surely no one's surprised at bellicosity from a nation lacking basic culinary scruples?

Meanwhile, at the United Nations...

Ban Ki-moon, or Ban Ki-moonpie?

Thursday Thumbs Down

2009-04-02T18:45:00.017-05:00

This is MTP's first foray into the sports world. Why? It took an issue this close to the heartbone to stir us to action. And, if Keith Olberman can straddle the line between sports and hard news with such grace and aplomb, by gum so can MTP!

Jay Cutler, or Jay Veal Cutlet?
Jay, MTP was on your side this whole time. Now we're not sure. Pretty weak, dude.

Pat Bowlen, or Rats, Bowl-in?
And Pat. Kyle Orton? Kyle. Orton. This is not great leadership, buddy. We're already in a dry spell. Pick a bust and they're going to be on you like rats in that movie with Vincent Spano.

Wednesday Friendsday: Hilary Rodham Clinton, or Hilary RodLamb and Mint-ton? Felipe Calderon, or Felipe Carne Asada?

2009-03-26T01:44:00.011-05:00

Wait just a second, Mrs. Secretary. Americans? Complicit in exacerbating Mexican drug wars? Sounds to MTP like somebody didn't drink her freedom juice this morning.

Tuesday Boozeday: Teddy Kennedy, or Teddy Corned Beefedy?

2009-03-17T19:27:00.007-05:00

"May your drunkenness be, eh, profitable"

YouMeat: Larry King, or Larry Chicken a la King?

2009-03-16T21:37:00.007-05:00

It's a topic that won't go away.

The Monday Meating: YouMeat

2009-03-16T21:22:00.012-05:00

Some of our more serious readers might feel forsaken about now. Giant bankrupt insurance firms continue in spit in our faces. Kids--our little ones--are texting naked photos of themselves to one another. What is happening? How can we grasp the utter lunacy of our modern age? These are questions MTP knows all of you, dear readers, are asking.

We hear you, but we know you expect more than simple answers.

That's why MTP created YouMeat. Join us for clips, for links, even for apertifs. All are here. All for you. You might detect in our content a dense, complex mouthfeel. That's our secret ingredient: honesty.

Tuesday Teamwork: A Birthday Retrospective

2009-03-10T01:09:00.017-05:00

March 10 is MTP's mother's birthday. To mark the occasion, we're posting the two best historical suggestions currently on the books. These two bone bags were in the primes of their sinisterly careers when mom was a bright-eyed girl from Queens. Imagine.

Strom Thurmond, or Stromboli Thurmond?

This old badger turned 100 years old while serving as an honorable Senator of the Palmetto State. Shame he couldn't live see last October. His campaign for president on the Segregationist ticket was just winding down when mom was not but a glint.

Spiro Agnew, or Spiro AgNew Potatoes?

Ah, the 39th vice president. What would things be like today if the patriarch of the Agnew clan hadn't changed the surname from Anagnostopoulos upon migrating stateside? The world will never know. Also, who knew Spiro was a relatively moderate Maryland governor before taking all those bribes and castigating journalists over Vietnam.

Mama, happy birthday. There's a depression on so MTP is not sending flowers.

(CREDITS to MPM and MAU)

Friday Fakakta: Nancy Pelosi, or Nancy Pierogi?

2009-03-06T18:40:00.011-06:00

Don't play dumb, Nance. "Earmarks? What earmarks?" Don't pretend your hands are tied or feign that you're really "changing the culture of Washington. " Milk the power and pass the damn omnibus. (Thanks MAU)

Thursday Thoroughly Exausted: Keith Olberman, or Keith Olber-easy, man

2009-03-05T19:18:00.011-06:00

I think it's just that MTP doesn't care about the Republican National Committee right now. Will we ever? Perhaps. But these are lean times, Keith. We got the message and that's why we voted for the other guy. Even MTP would be embarrassed to cover Michael Steele for 25 minutes. You know what MTP said when we grew weary? We said, "Oh, Jumanji's on!" Jumanji, Keith. MTP has only so many half hours to peruse the tube these days. Jumanji.

MTP's point, Keith, is that clearly you would be derelict not to diligently pursue justice. But please focus your hunts on bigger bucks than Michael Steeles, por favor.

P.S.
You aren't Edward R. Murrow

P.P.S.
If you're going to do it, at least do it right--

Michael Steele, or Michael Steelhead Trout Fillet?

Wednesday White Men

2009-03-04T17:33:00.014-06:00

MTP has featured a disproportionate number of black men of late. Time to get back to our (white) bread and butter.

Rush Limbaugh, or Rush Limburger and Onion Sandwich?

This the head of the Republican Party? I hope tastier hor'dourves are on the way. MTP still prefers Rush radio to Air America.

Robert Gates, or Robert Gates BBQ? (Thanks MPM)

The press can take photos of war dead and we're pulling out of Iraq? MTP isn't holding its breath. Something big is going to happen.

Larry Summers, or Larry Summer Sausage?

Ahem... While MTP finds your views on the intelligence of women hilarious, you give direct council to the prez on economic issues. Make MIT proud and fix this shit already.

Friday Filet: Black History Month, or Blackened Catfishtory Month?

2009-02-20T01:00:00.012-06:00

Debate rages over the utility of Black History Month now that the president and attorney general are differently colored. MTP takes a historical look at those who made this possible. We report, you decide.

Booker T. Washington, or Booker T-Bone Washington?

W.E.B. Du Bois, or W.E.B. au Jus?

Martin Luther King Jr., or Martin Luther King Whopper Jr.?
(MTP credits MPM for this gem)

Prez Day Props: George Washington, or Geef Wellington?

2009-02-16T23:55:00.020-06:00

Legend has it that a patriotic chef renamed this traditionally French meat pocket after the eponymous Duke. Well, you know what we took, England? I think you do, and it sure as Elkhart, Indiana wasn't the metric system. At least we're still friends with benefits.

Now for the inverse happy ending--

Wednesday Waffle: Barack Obama, or Turok the Dinosaur Hunter Obama?

2009-02-04T17:38:00.007-06:00

Look, it's not that MTP doesn't appreciate everything. It's just... ethics reform... maybe you bit off more than you can chew. How about this--you tell David Plouffe to quit with the emails, and all MTP will do is send you to bed without any supper. You've got some scary monsters to tag and bag, after all.

Monday Mitzvah: Rahm Emanuel, or Rahmschnitzel Emanuel?

2009-02-02T23:16:00.006-06:00

A Republican to head Commerce?
These are powerful strokes from a chief of staff.

Friday Fajita, numero dos: Alan Greenspan, or Alan BaconExplosionSpan?

2009-01-30T21:02:00.004-06:00

Right now there are two phenomena dominating the Web. Firstly, the global economic meltdown, financial peril, record unemployment, blah blah. The second is a recipe for the bacon sausage loaf. This recipe is so noteworthy that it remained The Times' "most emailed" story for days and was picked up by hundreds upon hundreds of dailies. Thanks Web 2.0! Not that I don't appreciate the masterminds who innovated the bacon lattice.

You know who else gets it? The Maestro.

Though tough to pin this nightmare on a single soul, Greenspan has been criticized for not cooling off the housing bubble with higher rates years ago. Plus he rolled with Ayn Rand in his swinging-musician days. I think we can all agree that this time Atlas got drunk on Alize and passed out poolside.

Friday Fajita, numero uno: Gordon Brown, or Gordon Braunschweiger?

2009-01-30T20:29:00.004-06:00

The Brits are a fiery and fickle lot, and they turned on you in a hurry, Mr. Prime Minister. Your feigned confidence in the spirit of your people is hackneyed: don't dance around this recession because your people don't dance around their distaste for you.

*Braunschweiger (named after Braunschweig, Germany) is a type of liverwurst (pork liver sausage) which is nearly always smoked.

Braunschweiger has a very high amount of Vitamin A, iron and proteins. The meat has a very soft, spread-like texture and a distinctive spicy liver-based flavor, very similar to the Nordic Leverpostej. It is usually used as a spread for toast, but can also be used as a filling for sandwiches, often paired with stone-ground mustard, sliced tomatoes and cheese. There are also a few recipes for pâté and cheese balls which use braunschweiger as a primary ingredient.

It feels good to be back

2009-01-29T17:12:00.003-06:00

We at MTP are happy to have resumed our online presence. Especially now, with the American Dream barely afloat on dark and stormy seas, wholly unmoored to the vision set forth by our founding fathers. MTP had some personal issues to deal with for a while, and MTP had to move, but putting that pimento loaf square on that iconic mug of malfeasance was nothing short of blogasmic. In a social justice way.

We're back, baby. We're back.

The Thursday Thrusting: Rod Blagojevich, or Rod, Can you reach my bologna itch?

2009-01-29T16:45:00.007-06:00

Oh, Rod. At least now you'll have plenty of time for jogging.

(Lesser alternate: Rod bok choi jog bitch)

Saturday Sadness: Tim Russet, thank you and goodbye.

2008-06-14T17:39:00.005-05:00

You were the meat and potatoes of the American news diet, and you will be missed.

You made it a habit to dice complex issues and assemble them into tots of wisdom easily digestible to the American public; you necessarily deep-fried your interviewees when they had it coming to them.

Your career in the field of journalism could not be garnished with more respect.

Your work has inspired an entire generation.

Thank you.

NPR November: Lakshmi Singh, or That Lamb Korma Packs a Zing!

2007-11-20T21:21:00.000-06:00

The Tuesday Tarantula: MoveOn.org, or MoveFLAN.org

2007-10-10T00:32:00.000-05:00

If imitation is in fact the sincerest form of flattery, then MoveOn.org puckered up and laid a wet one on the backside of Meat the Press last month when it took out a full-page ad in The New York Times to call attention to General David Patraeus' Iraq progress report before Congress.

Many of you surely noticed the ad, or at least the fanfare surrounding it.

The title?

"General Patraeus or General Betray Us"

Why, wondered MTP, did such daring surname wordplay ring familiar? Um...Yes, that's right. MTP has been dishing up the same cutting-edge headline mastery since as far back as February. I mean, how much did you pay for that ad? Probably more than it would cost to send over a whole division of those armor reinforced humvees.

You could have gotten your point across, skipped the bipartisan furor, and saved a bundle to boot if you just LINKED TO OUR BLOG instead.

We at MTP are not petty people, MoveOn.org. We have wives and children and hobbies and pets. We certainly won't scold you for ripping off our trademark. But we will show you exactly what you let slip away, that beautiful golden ship that sailed without you.

Remember: Why buy the cow when you can link to her blog for free?

The Friday Frittata: Wolf Blitzer, or Wolf Strawberry Blintz's?

2007-09-14T21:07:00.001-05:00

The Tuesday Tarantula: Stephen Colbert, or Stephen Camembert?

2007-06-18T22:11:00.000-05:00

The Wednesday Introspective: A Meat the Press Tribute: Boris Yeltsin, or Boris Tuna Meltsin?

2007-04-25T15:44:00.000-05:00

Goodnight, sweet prince.

The Wednesday Introspective: A Meat the Press Exclusive Interview: Sean Hannity, or Honey Baked HAmmity?

2007-03-21T15:27:00.000-05:00

MTP - Sean, you're a strong supporter of Christ. What's on your wife cooking up this Easter after church?

SH - I'm glad you asked. What I wouldn't give to dive into her 5-flavor slaw, country chive buscuits, silky carrot bisque and - Christ almighty- some of that sweet, sweet ham.

The Wednesday Introspective: Katie Couric, or Katie COURiander

2007-03-14T16:19:00.000-05:00

This week's introspective is a slight departure intended to add a sprig of the cheer of ole' Eire.

The Wednesday Introspective: Glenn Beck or, Glenn Speck?

2007-03-07T09:45:00.000-06:00

*Speck - Produced in Alto Adige (or Südtirol, the German-speaking province of Bolzano), Speck received its name from the German word for bacon. An utter misnomer, Speck is a variety of cured ham that proves leaner and denser than its fatty, friable cousin. Produced in succulent rectangular blocks (known as baffe in Italian), Speck is brined in a perfect blend of garlic, black pepper, juniper berries and bay leaves. After being cold-smoked with sweet-scented maple and beechwood shavings, the hunks of meat are aged for a several months to give them a firm, yet moist texture. Less pungent than pancetta and more flavorful than prosciutto, Speck has a scrumptious array of uses in the kitchen. Its savory slices will add a mysterious hint of smoke and salt to any dish.

The Wednesday Introspective: Michael Moore or Michael, more apple curry chicken salad?

2007-02-28T12:45:00.000-06:00

Ann Coulter or orgANNic Poultry?

2007-02-28T12:27:00.000-06:00

Lou Dobbs or Pork Chobbs?

2007-02-22T15:40:00.000-06:00